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Entry #21
I'm going to just admit it right here and now, I'm a movie elitist. I only like to watch oscar worthy films, I generally look down on anyone who has enjoyed a movie starring Ashton Kutcher, and I would suck Philip Seymour Hoffman's cock wihout hesitation. Despite that I do enjoy getting a group of friends, getting raped for fifteen bucks on tickets and snacks, and letting go of my pretentions for an hour and a half in front of the silver screen. I don't rush to see everything that comes out, but I can usually muster up enough excitement for two or three films. This year is different. Looking at this summer's list of films I just can't find any reason to be excited. I generally expect my summer flicks to be devoid of originality, but the proverbial straw has been placed upon the camel's back. You can only force so much shit down one man's throat before he stands up and respectfully requests the you either stop it or add some tabasco sauce to mask the bile. So let's take a look at what I've declared Shit-Fest '08: The God-Forsaken Carnival of Shatered Dreams Strewn Across a Flaming Horror-scape.
Iron Man
I've heard decent things, but honestly, another comic book flick. I've taken that trip before. Sure, I had a good time, but I still have all those souvenirs, knick-knacks, and, as of yet, undeveloped photos to remind me of the good times. Comic flims can be good, but there's always this exclusionary factor (one that exists in any film culled from pop-culture) that I, as someone who has never delved into many comics, can never get over. Plus, they just feel samey to a degree that's above and beyond what I'd expect. The style, the flow, the dialogue, I'm sick of it all. So no, I won't be seeing Iron Man.
What Happens in Vegas...
Unless what happens in Vegas involes three shady latinos in a hooded sweatshirts and a busted cervix then I'm going to have to sit this one out despite Ashton's winning smile. How it haunts my dreams.
Speed Racer
Whoever came up with the idea that 80s cartoons are well suited for adaptation to the big screen must have his tongue so far up the asshole of chidhood nostalgia that he's in extreme danger of it getting burnt off by stomach acids. I honestly don't know who this film is for. Fans of the original must have realized by now that it's complete and utter shit and the people who liked it in an ironic sense aren't going to flock to a film that seriously tries to adapt for cinema. I guess studios are just willing to throw their money at the Wachowski's and their flights of fancy.
Chronicals of Narnia: Prince Caspian
The first was little more than an also-ran in the bloated category of Lord of the Rings wannabes and logic dictates that little will change the second time around. Expect unlikeable characters that are overacted to a ludicrous level and battles that have been tuned down to lukewarm.
Indiana Jones and the Milking of the Dated Franchise
I don't know about you, but I was perfectly happy with the Indiana Jones trilogy as it was. Yes, Temple of Doom was a tragic misstep, but The Last Crusade was a pitch perfect ending. Why ruin a good thing by going back to the young sidekick and female companion formula that almost fucked up the trilogy without the added benefit of a little chinese kid that spouts quotable one-liners? Edit: I actually saw this one and it was an abomination.
You Don't Mess With the Zohan
Oh Adam Sandler, how I wish you had pulled a Chris Farley and died in a drug induced stupor so we could all turn a wrongfully nostalgic eye on Billy Madison and Happy Gilmore, smile knowingly at each other, and declare you one of America's greatest comedic minds. I'll cencede that Punch Drunk Love was decent because of the way it humanized his mentally challenged man-child persona (plus it had the added benefit of not actually being a film that he had a hand in creating), but I can't help but continually be more and more unimpressed by everything he comes out with.
Kung Fu Panda
I can't imagine anyone who's still intrigued by the concept of 3D animals in wacky situations. Penguins that dance? NO WAY! A bee that sues honey manufacturers? NO WAY! A goofy pair of woodland creatures that must save the forest? NO WAY! I'll admit that Jack Black has some notable comedic chops, but he only shines in small budget films that he'll never get recognition for and bit parts as comedic relief. In the end serious critique of a cartoon is trivial. I'm over five years old and finding it unfunny is about as inevitable as the world ending in 2012 (That's right, its going to happen. Mark my words, people).
The Incredible Hulk
No! Bad Stan Lee! Bad! I guess we didn't rub his nose in Hulk hard enough because he's allowed another turd to drop onto our brand new carpet. It's valiently attempting to right Ang Lee's undeniable wrong by making it a pure action-fest. Maybe they'll pull it off, but I can't for the life of me forgive this franchise for wasting my money the first time around.
Get Smart
I guess Steve Carell senses some inevitable downturn in his career because he's quickly becoming good friends with high paying shit-fests. There is no need for the Get Smart franchise to be dug up. It's not like it's still popular, it's not like the Bewitched remake was sucessful, it's not like the Honeymooners remake was sucessful. Maybe a big studio executive hired a numerologist who assured him that, "The third time's a charm." I hope Carell keeps throwing in some good films in between the cash-jobs because he does have some actual talent.
The Love Guru
Mike Myers, ewww. Wayne's World was funny despite him. Never forget it.
Hellboy II
The first Hellboy was decent, but only because it was so set on playing it safe. Every action scene, ever line a character uttered, every conveniently placed moment of comedic relief. It all fit snugly like two lego blocks. It didn't bother me too much when I first sat through it, but the more I think about it the more it bothers me. It's like picking at a scab. You just want to let it go, but you keep poking and scratching until you eventually have a big festering hole in your body. That's what Hellboy is, no matter how much you want it to be something healthy it eventually turns into an ugly scar.
Also, Philip Seymore Hoffman, if you're reading this, just name the time and the place.
Updated: 05/25/08 11:05 AM Log in to comment! | Share this!
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